Tuesday 24 May 16 – Head not in the game

My Dad Died

I am lost. Wandering around a hollow void in my own head. Hearing noise, decrypting a little of the noise,  creating a noise. Sounds echo in the space. Time vanishes.

I attempt to focus. It takes a lot of effort and struggle. A quick – witted response, an intelligent nod, I’m in the game. Time vanishes again. I’m out. Restart. Reset. Restruggle.

With a need to meditate, to focus, to view normalcy, I head to the gym. I might not be that strong but I relish the attention the barbell demands.

Focus. Setup, knees back, rise, second pull, power! Shoulders high, catch, rise from the squat. Clear stars from vision. Dip, drive under the bar! Catch. Hold. Focus.

Drop bar.

Rest.

Setup.

Clean and Jerk 1RM

70, 70, 80, 80, 80, 90, 90, 90, 92.5, 90kg

10kg below my best. Anger and frustration got the better of me and I had to control myself and leave. I’ve lost a lot of strength over the last 3 months or so. My head is not in the game. To have continued would have been dangerous. At least I recognised that.

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