25 Jan 16 – supplemental. A dark place in the mind.

I was writing the riveting and deeply enthralling read, “25 Jan 16 – Mean on the Mind” and I got to the end feeling pretty despondent. I started typing and what appeared was what you see below. Interestingly, I was about to click “Publish” when I stopped and had to get a grip of my own thoughts. Read on and I’ll think about it more at the end:

My head has been in a poor place regarding CrossFit recently. Studying the Beyond The Whiteboard data, I have slipped back in to the 69th percentile again. Sure, I’m not getting weaker or slower but the community is accelerating past. This is annoying in that I have put as much time as I can realistically allow in to it but have seen nothing significant since I began. I was on the 69th percentile 4 years ago and remain there now after some minor peaks and troughs in between. It’s time that I had a realistic assessment of my physical prowess and will to stick with the CrossFit programme; well, perhaps not debate sticing with CrossFit, I’ll probably always do that, but be honest in myself about progression. I’m not going to keep making up unrealistic goals for myself, only to fail to achieve them routinely. There are too many other things going on in my life that simply prohibit the development I would love to have made. It’s a poor excuse but it also happens to be the truth. So, this CrossFit Open will probably be my last. I’ll see how the scores go this time around but if there is no progression from last year then I’ll just go back to training on my own, as and when I can, in order to support passing my basic fitness test and keeping me healthy for middle age with my awesome family. Despite being in CF Plymouth, I’ve not really been part of a CrossFit ‘community’ in any meaningful sense. I don’t hang out with them, I don’t really know many of them and there is a typically British cynical ‘sneer’ from quite a few in there against the CrossFit methodology. The ‘too cool for school’ crowd who know full well the influence they have on others. It’s sad really but I felt more part of the community when Box-Hopping in Australia than here in Plymouth. It’s a far cry from the American experience of it where there really is a sense of common goals and achievement. From a social-science point of view it is intriguing to study the difference but from the point of view of a person who thrives on community to achieve goals, it’s a waste of time at the moment. I could seek out another CrossFit box in the location of my next job but I’m not going to pay £65 a month for the same thing to happen. By cutting back on CrossFit, I’ll also cut back on protein shakes too!! I’ve not exactly ‘got massive’ over the last 4 years nor changed body shaped to any great degree so that really has been quite a bit of cash down the pan.

I would like to point out that I am not going to give up CrossFit and will keep trying to push on to achieve my aims. What appears to have happened here is the same shit that was trying to stop me working out this morning, attempting to make me stop at every turn. What is it in my head that is so bloody negative? Why have I written these things?

I’m going to discuss this with a few people but it is obviously linked in some way to my recent injuries and to my inability to regularly train. It must also incorporate the lack of people turning up to the sessions in the morning or those who do the other programming and not the one I’ve been asked to coach. There is clearly something in there about me not currently having any goals to work towards as well. With a new job coming up and such broken training, I’ve not actually set myself anything and I’m feeling a bit lost.

But despite all of that, do I have to be SO negative?! It’s like I’m just constantly looking for excuses to stop and not to push myself. More to follow.

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